When you try to seize the day, but you just can’t.
Are you having a hard time living in this new reality?
No? That’s awesome.
If yes, this is for you.
We are one month and some change into the new school year. I thought that by now, as a senior, things would be smooth sailing. I mean, I’ve had three years to get better at this whole college thing, this should come naturally by now, shouldn’t it?
But no. To be transparent, I have been having a hard time this past month. I’m turning my assignments in and getting A’s, but I’m taking each day as it comes. I’m mentally incapable of planning and working ahead, and every time I try, I end up completing the assignments just before the deadline. I have exams coming up, and the idea of studying everything from September seems impossible.
I’ve always been a super high-functioning student, involved in multiple different clubs and sports while also holding down at least one job. I worked best at the edge of chaos, to be honest. Just enough work to keep me at a good level of stress, but never more. This semester I’ve taken up my normal class load with two internships, but I feel like I’ve taken on more than I can handle.
I talked to my therapist about the level of disappointment I’ve had in myself lately. I’m so frustrated that I’m not able to perform at the level that is expected of me, not even at my own expectations. I disappoint myself when I wake up to a checklist full of unfulfilled tasks for the previous day, and the previous two days, and so forth.
She asked me “why is it important for us to be productive?”
*here’s where we’ll take a commercial break so you can think of your own answer*
This is a simple question, in my opinion, at first. So, here’s the simple answer.
We have to be productive because in this country it is necessary for survival. You have to work to get paid, you have to get paid so you can eat and have a roof over your head. Productivity promises survival. I have to work hard in college to get my degree so that hopefully I can get a job that pays me so I can pay my bills, eat, and pay my loans back.
She asks me “what would you rather do if you didn’t have to do the things you have to do?”
To be honest, I had no idea. At least I didn’t know what I could do for long. Quarantine was a huge example of this. Read? Watch Netflix? Travel (assuming we can)? Learn new recipes? I have multiple interests and hobbies, but I’ve realized the one hobby I invest the most time in is blogging. And blogging is the only hobby I’ve thought about monetizing…
At this point, I’d highly recommend you check out the YesTheory Podcast episode where they talk about productivity (episode 6). I listened to it after I wrote this post on the notes app on my phone, and it read me for filth. It made me realize that many of us do not see our passions as valuable of our time because it doesn’t help with survival… it doesn’t put food on our table, it doesn’t pay rent. And for those of us that do monetize our creative passions like art and freelancing, it can be difficult for that passion to keep its fire after time. Ultimately, our creative passions could save us from burnout, but we do not see them as productive if they do not help our survival (sad isn’t it?).
At one of my internships, I have the pleasure to work with multiple psychotherapists. I spoke to one the other day when she came to my office. She asked how I was, and I cannot lie these days so I told her how I’m feeling down about my productivity levels.
She gave me a new perspective.
Quick psychology lesson. Every time we learn something new, new pathways are created in our brains from neurons. We are all trying to figure out how to live in this “new normal”, so even though we are resuming work and school as we were before March, our brains are still trying to adapt to working with the low vibrations of stress and uncertainty of this pandemic in the background.
All this to say, my blog is about making the most out of each day by chasing novel experiences and tapping into our authentic selves, but we can’t always do this. We can’t always be present. We can’t always show up for ourselves. I know I cannot.
It can be really difficult to show up every single day at the highest level, so if you haven’t been able to do so, it’s not your fault. No matter how long we’ve been in this pandemic, it’s not your fault.
Give yourself some grace as our brains catch up with all that’s been happening in the last 7 months. At least I will.
Carpe Diem Challenge: Where in your life do you need to give yourself more grace? Work? Social life? Your relationship with yourself?