*pushes hands down on table like Jada Pinkett Smith*
Well…
For me, the last 6 months have been a roller coaster ride from hell, and the 6 months before that were some of the best months of my life. Through both extremes, I’ve learned more than I would have expected at the young age of 21. I won’t get into the nitty-gritty of the shit (and I mean *shit*) I dealt with in silence this year, but I’ll share some of the most consequential lessons I’ve had to learn during this last trip around the sun.
Stop apologizing for taking up space
I always apologize when I speak too much during group conversations. If I feel like I’ve been talking too loud, I’ll be quiet for the rest of the day. I turn down the volume when I feel like people could be disturbed by my music playing too loud.
There’s a whole lot of social psychology that can explain why I and many other people like me could feel apologetic for taking up space. As a psych student, I’m aware but I still let the fear of burdening people stop me from being my unabashed self.
It’s a bad habit that I’ve been working on all year. By turning the music back up in my car after I’ve realized I turned it down seeing an old white couple cross the street in front of me. I’ll attend BSU events and tell myself I’m “just going to observe” but then I let go when I feel like something needs to be said. There’s a lot of unlearning that must take place to learn this lesson, and I encourage you to figure out what they are subconsciously telling yourself as well.
Grief doesn’t always follow death
It definitely can, but you can grieve in anticipation of events too. You might know your grandparents are getting old, but you can feel grief in anticipation of their passing when you know you can’t visit them any time soon because of the current circumstances. You can grieve the loss of plans. That international trip that you spent months planning to go down the drain this year? Even when you saved money everywhere you could and booked everything in advance so that your vacation was fool-proof…but it still got canceled? What about your wedding or your graduation?
It’s okay. Really. Is it the end of the world? No, of course not. Does it still suck? Absolutely. Can you grieve the loss of plans too? According to my therapist, yes you can.
Forgiveness is really fucking hard
There have been a few people these past months that have been especially hard to forgive. It’s been difficult to forgive my dad’s doctors for giving up on him when they thought he wouldn’t beat COVID-19. My dad made it out on the other side, and I’m sure the doctors would be ecstatic to see him walk through the doors again, healthy this time. But I can’t forget the fact that they were ready to pull the plug on my dad’s life support and were waiting for us to give consent. I was going to send flowers to my dad’s primary ICU doctor as a thank you for all her work, but I couldn’t get myself to do it.
Forgiveness doesn’t happen overnight. Sometimes, it doesn’t even happen within months. But sometimes you need to do it for yourself more than for the other person.
Boundaries vs Forgiveness
To keep it a buck, this is a really tricky thing to talk about. In my case, there was someone that I REALLY wanted nothing to do with, but they really needed me these past few months. It’s difficult to navigate a relationship with someone you’ve cut off but had to glue back on because you know it’s the right thing to do.
There’s no advice for this. It’s just really fucking hard to juggle. Anddd… it’s okay. Some things, you’ve just gotta take day by day.
Self-Control
…can go entirely down the drain when circumstances change. I fell into bad habits during the beginning of quarantine to cope with everything around me. Not working out, not eating right, going to sleep until the sun was about to rise. I had a lot of goals for myself in this new reality that didn’t come to fruition. I was hoping to be damn near fluent in French by now, but I’m not even close. I could get upset with myself for not sticking to my learning schedule, but instead, I’m going to forgive myself for wanting to rest for the majority of this summer given the recent events.
But on day 365…
Despite the horse pills I’ve had to swallow this past year, my 21st year has been the brightest year yet, full of love and adventure. I feel supported and admired by the people around me in the most supernatural ways that I almost don’t feel worthy. Thank you to everyone that has looked out for me this past year and thank you for the never-ending kind words and positive regard. Y’all would know I suck at accepting compliments, so here’s a genuine thank you. I look back at pictures from my 21st birthday and 20th birthday all the time and smile when I realize I truly know how it feels to be loved now.
Here goes another lap around the sun bay-beee!
Love, Manyi